Anyone who knows me would describe me as a silly, sarcastic, stupidly happy adult kid. Girlfriends rely on my advice whenever they go through troubles in life (I like to think that's what Im good at) but after my daughter was born, I felt unlike myself.
I decided to share my perspective on mom depression when I found an insect wing in our back yard today. Im going to frame it because (as artsy-fartsy as it may sound) the story behind the wing inspired me to get out of my mental funk. This small, clear wing with its gold veins and powdery green touches is absolutely captivating. I saw this wing as myself. Over two years ago, I lost my creative passion so I left the corporate fashion industry to grow my family. I was ready for my big belly and swollen legs but didn't realize that pregnancy and motherhood would take such a toll on my mind. Mentally, I felt like someone had turned off the lights and no one was home upstairs. From the outward appearance, I was just a smelly and tired new mom unapologetically making it work but inside, I was lost and bombarded with guilt. After Nyaeli's 1st birthday, I admitted to my mother that I was feeling stuck and depressed. Saying it out loud to her was the beginning of a better path. I found other mom's to share stories with and found that Im not alone. Its one thing to read about depression but relieving to hear mom friends tell their stories about days when they feel a mess, trapped in a new life, with a toddler as their company 12 hours a day.
"Don't complain, be grateful for your life. Someone else always has it worse off than you" Does that person get to complain? Or is there someone telling them to buck up and hope that some other poor mom is going through worse? I personally don't want anyone to go through worse. Would rather we get it out in the open and get help.
We bought our first home, the prettiest and newest build on the block. I thought about being away from the city and its accessibility to everything my old life had and sank further into depression. Talk about ungrateful, I kept blaming myself hoping I would just snap out of it. Felt like I found my "sunken place". Imagine being trapped in your mind.
Im just not inspired but I want to be so badly. For me, mom depression feels like writer’s block but for designers. When I found the wing, I thought about whoever it once belonged to will soon die without it. Going through depression was a lot like losing my wings. The up-side to that is I have a lot to be grateful for and although I struggle at times, Ive gained so much in the past year. Im still looking for a business mentor and someone with high energy to bounce ideas off of. But I understand that for my business to succeed, I have to believe in myself, and have a clear vision for the brand, the company, and a real reason for it all besides money.
When I found that wing, I began writing about what it symbolizes to me. Its hard to admit that I feel depressed because Im so used to being happy all the time. Im inspired to stand by women in need of psychological care. Sometimes I feel lost or trapped in my mind; like Im telling myself one thing but doing another. Or Im repeating things to myself or forgetting them altogether. Its a terrible feeling when you know you’re the only one in a group that didn’t get the story because you’re to busy in your mind trying to focus on what you’re thinking. I miss when shit was simple and I had one job, rent to pay, and my only question was which outfit I was wearing that night.
In my new life, this wing represents the gift of freedom from my mind. I am strong enough to birth my daughter, so I am strong enough to reclaim my happiness again. I began working on a new passion. I want to create products that provide for women struggling with motherhood and depression. Its a real problem that if left unaddressed, effects entire families. My goal is to design fashion for moms who need to feel pretty + confident + happy. Think bohemian queen vibes.
I would like to say thank you for the little creature's sacrifice. Your wing became my blessing. May your wing continue to inspire empathy, happiness, success and recovery for women and families struggling with depression world wide.